Fire- Is kind of self explanatory and honestly, we only ever harnessed it.
The Lever- was invented to roll rocks down onto other people.
The wheel- was invented to roll rocks over people when a hill wasn’t readily available.
Gear and Pulley Systems- were invented to hoist rocks high in the air and later drop them on people. In hi-tech parlance this is known as the Gravity Battery.
Eventually we got tired of waiting for people to walk directly underneath our rocks, so we repurposed the same gear and pulley system to fling rocks onto people a good distance away.
Then came Gunpowder- which we used to shoot rocks at people at even further distances from us.
As we ratchetted up our distances, we were forced to invent multiple forms of flight so we could target our rocks onto people we couldn’t even see. Of course, we also dropped rocks onto people from these various flying machines.
Not content with flight, we were forced to invent a way to target rocks at night and on cloudy days. Ta Da! Radio (Suckas never play me!)! Now we could target rocks anywhere gunpowder would carry them. (Author’s note: That smart phone in your pocket is a direct descendent of this technology. It is just a really fancy, overpriced walkie talkie…)
Eventually, the targeting distances became so complicated we had to invent computers just to work out the trajectories of over the horizon and around the bend lethal flying rocks. Say hello to the UNIVAC and ENIAC, children. The forefathers of everything you hold dear… in the palm of your hands.
What about Rocket Science, you ask? Well, it’s right there in the damn name. Rock It science!
Hell, even the information super highway, the Internet- was originally conceived of, built, and fortunately not used as a Doomsday device. It was built by that eternal fountain of murderous intent and ideas, DARPA, to ensure that even if we were taken completely by surprise by our enemies in a preemptive rock strike, so long as one of us was still alive and in uniform (Clothing was most likely optional, but you know what I mean) we could still retaliate and take out the rest of the world, several times over with all of our stored up and silo’d rocks.
There it is. The mother of all invention, is in fact, murder, but don’t let that bring you down. There is a bright silver lining to our rock dust filled mushroom cloud.
This Homicidal Hobby (err no. ) Fatal Fascination (nope. Wait, I got it) Killing Compulsion (nailed it!) means that not only is world peace achievable in our lifetimes, but so is the greatest technological leap forward ever.
All we need to do is find anyone else, living anywhere else in this gigantic universe. The moment we do, we will forget all of our interpersonal feuds and vendettas, put aside our differences, and be able to unify and focus as one psychotic super genius, for the purpose of hunting them down and murdering them!
Our best days are not behind us. Here’s to the future!
If you wish to help build this better future- Call, text, and write your Congress - man, women, or uncertainty - and your Senator to demand full UFO disclosure today! If they don’t give it to us, vote them out and vote in candidates with the vision we need!
Love the reframing here. The catapult progression is genuinely clever as a through line showing how military needs drove iteration after iteration. What gets me is how quickly dual use becomes the excuse once something's been weaponized first, like we retroactivley figure out peacetime applications after.
he he he... but all we need to do is ban rocks and institute comprehensive rock control. That'll fix it!
Funny post, but maybe you left out chucking rocks from under the water? xD